Funny Text Messages
My favorites from: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
(905): If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
(905): I told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
(936): The paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
(617): My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
(850): does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
(732): It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
(587): Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
(607): please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
(603): Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
(443): I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
(708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
(516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
(231): I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
(847): I just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
(712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
(404): View more from Georgia There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
(908): I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
(908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
(256): View more from Alabama she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
(951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
(205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
(203): so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
(662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
(1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
(207): at the topless march for equality..and wow, not all these boobs should be treated equally
(360): Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
(817): just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
(309): I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
(313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
(785): We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
(901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
(+44): swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
(408): Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
(760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
(913): Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
(440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
(1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
(940): Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
(716): My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
(907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
(1-907): Sarah Palin
(907): god, I love you
(980): I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
(704): oh, you finally did the dishes then?
(980): No, bought new ones.
(757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
(661): View more from California Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
(607): you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
(617): So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
(502): Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
(631): Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
(203): I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
(716): After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
(931): My grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
(614): Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
(1-614): Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
(954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
(985): I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
(732): wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
(785): it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string
(228): Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
(843): i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
(319): Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
(304): its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
(512): Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
(651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
(1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
(315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
(647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
(662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
(971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
(717): If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
(403): Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
(804): NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
(913): I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
(401): she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
(504): his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
(337): you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
(720): i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
(718): "Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
(215): what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
(337): but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
(413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
(920): Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
(303): if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
(615): New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
(518): apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
(609): How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
(905): No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
(918): the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
(423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
(909): Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
(919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
(434): I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
(978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
(619): We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
(865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
(864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
(814): He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
(412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
(407): So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
(812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
(717): I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
(508): He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
(1-508): He wasn't the only one with a full load.
(732): I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
(206): Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
(570): is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
(613): You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
(603): he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
(918): Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
(845): I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
(636): His pubic hair was longer than his dick
(813): He had one of those small greek statue penises
(760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
(508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
(203): My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
(601): hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
(404): three words: i give head
(770): three words: not that well
(716): i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
(419): Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
(216): Turn them off?
(425): he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
(631): Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
(503): I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
(+61): i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
(405): There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
(561): he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
(562): tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
(714): and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
(801): so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
(508): Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
(516): I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
(301): Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
(201): I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
(916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
(732): When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
(407): I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
(763): My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
(206): On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
(920): My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
(250): Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
(732): I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
(415): Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
(440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
(805): we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
(313): I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
(706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
(814): I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
(814): It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
(419): Bisexual people are plain selfish.
(253): I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
(518): WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
(315): ... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
(513): i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
(202): its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
(780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
(440): planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
(732): i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
(713): yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
(541): we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
(734): turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
(415): Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
(203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
(530): 69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
(480): With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
(562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
(442): seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
(973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
(1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming
(773): will power is for people who don't want to get laid
(403): I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
(403): Four. Poor grandma.
(607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day
(703): how do you have sooo much energy?
(571): billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
(510): I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
(918): Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
(305): Its worth a shot.
(703): Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
(865): you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
(281): Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
(651): You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
(812): When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
(651): accomplished twins. life is a go
(360): Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
(214): She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
(604): the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
(404): He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
(251): but she was nice to me.
(256): She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
(1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
(215): I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
(267): I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
(412): I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
(425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
(440): He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
(757): 6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
(224): bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
(408): So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
(416): Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
(413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
(917): I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
(305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
(858): I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
(918): I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
(709): Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
(812): just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
(863): Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
(610): He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
(937): Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
(937): He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
(305): If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
(503): it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
(703): we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
(513): it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
(347): you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
(512): just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
(607): Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits.
(712): The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
(816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
(925): Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
(601): Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
(407): I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
(520): I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
(212): he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
(901): Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
(519): I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
(205): Do you want the good news or bad news first?
(678): bad news
(205): The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
(806): My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
(250): Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
(409): Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
(508): Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
(973): would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
(780): So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
(858): Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
(619): you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
(516): I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
(646): Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
(202): Odds of those being real?
(614): One in who gives a fuck
(774): im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
(407): I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
(510): You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
(630): Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
(972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
(423): he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
(248): her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
(609): If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
(949): The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
(617): I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
(203): you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
(604): Do you have a shampoo for semen
(604): Or a time machine
(210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
(410): It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
(979): I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
(904): How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
(478): I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
(435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
(609): she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
(484): pussy has no personality
(609): Amen to that
(201): and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
(610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
(903): Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
(847): He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
(816): YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
(847): So I'm banging this nun...
(314): Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
(860): I can't believe he cheated
(1-860): Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
(410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
(573): i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
(703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
(937): there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
(920): dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
(831): atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
(617): My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
(214): I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
(905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
(386): I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
(612): at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
(949): It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
(410): I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
(516): i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
(770): I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
(425): I proposed and she said yes man.
(1-425): You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
(850): ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
(573): shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
(206): sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
(860): I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
(419): I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
(905): Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
(206): when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
(513): the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
(508): Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
(914): No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
(858): Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
(414): He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
(858): i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
(281): i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
(303): I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
(818): I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
(510): The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
(763): that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
(847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
(541): Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
(228): Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
(803): I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
(617): Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
(903): ....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
(403): let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
(614): I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
(415): I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
(914): he puts the penis in happiness.
(650): this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
(323): I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
(206): got weed?
(425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
(206): sorry mom...
(416): Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
(818): It's like a parade of train wrecks.
(803): I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
(573): Small penises have feelings too.
(914): she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
(805): My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
(716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
(312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
(207): It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
(415): How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
(612): life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
*This content was collected from the depths of the internet and is not my intellectual property.